WOW! It’s already 2007. I have not blogged here for ages! I am happy to report that the shake-ups in my life continue (ow). It has all been very disruptive and extremely demanding. “Going with the flow” obviously means that one must also face rapids & waterfalls along the way… other times I feel like a cork in the ocean. I have yet to experience a steady flow.

The last few months have been predominated by focused personal-process work. I cannot describe the evolution in my thinking since this effort began in October. I recognize the personal patterns that are leading to extreme pain for me, but I have been unable to change what I am doing as I have not known where to start. Most recently I have found the support I needed to make the necessary changes and this has been a gift.

After much deliberation and reflection, I resigned and will be freelancing in IT Service Management for the rest of this year. My full-time job has been consuming me whole for 2 years now and I have become estranged from the things that keep me motivated. Much of the purpose behind working was misplaced as I lost touch with the things that are really important to me… like: singing, painting, writing, relationships, joking, story-telling, being with my family and just being able to SLEEP! Resigning was a massive step for me as I am a ‘sensible’ person…. and doing this kind of thing seemed like the most reckless thing I could do… until I realized that my nature is that of a responsible person. I could trust myself to be “responsible” in any situation in which I find myself. So I have dared the difference in my life and I have a very simple plan: to live each day as it comes.

Since starting this journey, I have been surrounded by the most amazing synchronicity. In the past I might have dismissed these moments as mere coincidences, but now I realize that more is at play. Some of these moments have been ‘a call to action’ and others have been a silent observance of my wounds and patterns. Where I have been called upon to act, I have done so & the resources to pursue the action have appeared simultaneously. With each moment of synchronicity there has been an acknowledgement of some sort and this is proving to be at the heart of starting over: accepting the things that have been driving me up to now and realizing where my fears have been in charge of my movements and decisions.

The things I am good at come easy to me, so I have not paid these much attention. I see how I have, over the years, been trying to compensate for my weaknesses instead of building on these strengths. As a result I feel completely lost and uncertain of my footing in my career & love life. It is apparent to me that I needed to get lost in order to appreciate the path I am following now. I have learnt a lot in all these years of meandering and I have been successful (if not fulfilled) in many areas. The knowledge and relationships borne of these experiences is what is facilitating my transition.

My old way of thinking often gets in the way of my perceptions, but I am learning to gently acknowledge this as a habit that needs to be unlearnt. It’s all part of what I need to confront. Much of this thinking is motivated by thought-concoctions resulting from rejection, fear of rejection, fear of failure/success, societal conditions, marketing and belief systems borne out of others’ opinions of my work/worth.

My personal projects continue and are proving to produce fruits! For that I am grateful and happy. I will endeavour to share all of the joys with you in the ensuing weeks.

Namasté

Maria

Blogging is a luxury at this point. I have found myself in some of the most pressing times of my life this year. It’s all good because I realise that much of the strain is because I am manifesting some of my longest held dreams at a pace I had not anticipated. That means lots of change!!! The acknowledgement of that has been a process as I tend to be an aspirant person by nature. This does not lend itself to being satisfied in the moment. It is my challenge to balance ambition and contentment.

For now I am traveling extensively and doing some of the most challenging work I have yet had to deliver upon. The work itself is not my life’s purpose, however, I feel strongly that it is playing a crucial part in developing me for that which will be.

Being away from home as much as I have in the last few months has brought so many relationships into relief. I am uninvolved and fairly mobile at the moment. This is something I celebrate. Each time I return home though, I feel an incredible restlessness that sometimes has me in tears. My theories on this are numerous, but the only one that makes any sense to me is that I now experience a once familiar world in short, concentrated episodes between various overseas trips. Changes that seemed slow before, now happen at the speed of a Hollywood feature (in my memory). My sister got engaged and I missed her engagement party; my dad is going through a tough transition himself and I have not been there for him; my other sister got her masters while I was away and I miss my mom’s hugs. Many of my friends are getting married and having children. Sharing their joy is so important to me, but I have had to realise that their transition does not include me as other events in our past once did. This is healthy evolution, but disruptive to my little world:) I am, nevertheless, am exactly where I need to be right now. The emotions I feel are part of my changes and I have am learning to be with these feelings instead of blocking them.

"The dream was always running ahead of me. To catch up, to live for a moment in unison with it, that was the miracle." - Anais Nin

My passions are many and varied.   I struggle to focus my energy... so that is my challenge.   My initiative to articulate my dreams has been a surprising effort as I realized in the process that I had fallen into the trap of asking for what I thought would get me what I want - as apposed to asking for what I truly desired.   

To remedy this state of affairs, I have identified a number of personal projects to pursue.   I realise that though I may not be able to 'change' anything from being what it 'is' directly, I have the power to profoundly influence situations and people indirectly.   My projects are a way for me to realise this potential and hone in on areas of neglect in my surrounds.

I have placed the strongest emphasis (for now) on a community based project within my apartment block and the greater community of my suburb (I am on the managing body for our building and on the residents' association for the area).   I hope to use the experience to build a business based on leveraging the latent power of communal spirit to help communities sustain themselves financially, environmentally, logistically, educationally and emotionally. I feel that sometimes people need a small push to treat each other with the love and respect we all deserve.

I have a theory that crime is a problem in Jo'burg because people are estranged from each other. Years ago, Johannesburg(ers) started building walls around their houses to keep criminals out. Unfortunately, this led to mere isolation of individuals from each other and separation from what was once a neighborhood. I live in a 100 unit apartment block and the mentality is the same here. This kind of fundamental disconnect in the popular consciousness is what I seek to influence.

I have started a "Welcome to the Neighbourhood" campaign with shop owners in the nearby shopping mall, so that they get a chance to advertise and we get a chance to enhance our surrounds and socialise as a group of neighbours. Our building staff have been provided with sparkling new uniforms and name tags with a poster advertising their names and birthdays. I have rounded up a group of women who love to mosaic so that we can cover our car park and stair wells with radiant colour and add some zest to a drab dungeon.
 
One of my neighbours loved that idea and decided that the garden needed some work, so he rounded up a troupe of fauna loyalists to address the problem of drab greenery on our roof garden (yip, we have a roof garden that no one ever uses).

I established an email channel for the building's service queries.   Before Sunday, this week, no one ever sent info to us (the board of trustees managing the building) those without email are now "demanding" other channels through which to lodge their queries.

These positive efforts have been penetrated by the cynics of the building trying to douse the flames of enthusiasm with skepticism (actually grafitting on the notice board), but it seems their efforts are wasted by a predominance of good will!

I will keep you posted on the progress and post some 'before' and 'after' pics for interest sake.

I've not written a blog before, so I am filled with the feelings & thoughts that this kind of inexperience brings: what will I say?; I'm not feeling profound; perhaps I should wait until I have an epiphany of some sort(?); what if I don't have an epiphany any time soon?; or ever?; then what?????; will I be destined never to write a blog?..

So I decided to write one anyway - epiphanies aside:)

My day was filled with mad rushing to pack for a business trip this morning and then the "hurry up and wait rush" to which airlines subject one.   I arrived at my hotel dressed for Cape Town's typical winter weather of  freezing, rainy, winds-that-can-wrap-you-around-a-lamp-post weather, only to be met by clear skies and soaring temperatures.   Chunky polo-neck sweaters are a no-no in these conditions.   So the next rush to the harbour mall ensued, but a Sunday traffic jam (who would have thunk?) slowed us down along Beach Road (which flanks the beach boulevard) in Seapoint.   Through a haze of heat stoke and glass I saw scenes of delight: twin sisters riding a tandem in identical Barbie outfits; a man showing off the largest parrot I've yet seen to a gathering crowd around him; all manner of fitness enthusiasts; pendulum swings squealing at the sky; the growing awareness of a mighty chorus of drums from a drumming circle under the leaves of a stubborn shrub whose mangled stems tell the story of the winds I just mentioned.

I felt like I was the heroine in Madonna's latest film "Desperately Seeking Summer".   Having found it, I was now on the prowl for a halter neck, trainers and a pair of shorts to relieve me of my boots, long denim skirt and chunky sweater.  

The week leading up to this moment of surreal sweltering was nothing less than a vortex of arranging one thing after the other.   I was quite sure I might spend the rest of my life simply arranging things and never actually experiencing them.   I was almost grateful for the torturous heat of my inappropriate outfit.   It was such a relief to be experiencing the world through my senses instead of my email and the phone.

Some time ago I made a pact with myself: that I would, no matter what I lived to be, lead a SENSUAL life.   That small promise has exploded my capacity for appreciation.   It led me to a new experience of the familiar and an enlivened sense of self.   Aspirations grew from within and fulfillment was no longer that which would be attained from a slog, but rather that which is achieved at will.  I've been told by my project manager colleagues that "the devil is in the detail"... I'm convinced otherwise.

I joined Zaadz for reasons mostly borne of curiosity and a sense of kinship to Brian's well articulated philosophies and ideas.   Though my uptake in participation on pods and populating my profile has been slower than I anticipated, I am pleased that it has taken this long, as the enthusiasm behind my desire to participate is only growing stronger.   I am inspired by the people I am meeting... with their ebullient energy and tangy attitudes!   It makes me want to colour something in.

Thanks for partaking of the Inspiration Station - come by to fill up on some more any time!   Please mail me with your insights and stories.    I'd love to hear those of fellow bloggers (now that I have fully initiated myself into the practice of blogging - I think).

Hugz!!!!!!

Maria